Guest post by Jana Detrick
I get it. You’ve been around the block. You may have had a few serious relationships. You may have casually dated. You may even be divorced and here you are, back in the “dating game”, but what your heart wants is anything but games. I hear you, sister, and commiserate with the confusion and the fear and the excitement and the general sense of uncertainty, and even, at times, dread.
I’m there, too. Let’s just be real, my faith in humanity is losing some steam while I find myself out and about, especially in the midst of some dating websites and apps. Isn’t there ANYONE out there who is normal and stable and fun and attractive and REAL (and not just looking for a hookup, no strings attached fling)? I’m not looking for airbrushed (God knows I could never be that myself). I’m looking for an authentic man, someone above average in the categories of relational connection, emotional intelligence, spiritual maturity and sense of himself.
Here are 10 tips on not just wading through the faces of “nope” or “like”, but actually getting to the heart of the matter: someone who deserves you.
- Know Thyself.
- Darling, there’s a lot to you! More than meets the eye and more than what’s available to someone just by a quick snapshot. What are your hopes, dreams, fears, and ambitions? If you know yourself, you’re less likely to seek definition in another. Let me just tell you, self-differentiation is a hard fought process that I’m still sorting through personally, but I believe the reward is worthwhile, as YOU are the only person you will have to live with forever.
- Love Thyself.
- Okay, this is similar to the first. But different. The first is mostly about self-awareness. Now, we’re talking about self-acceptance, and honestly, I think this one is a little harder, at least for me. How do we remember that we are worthy, when we feel invisible against a backdrop of a million pretty faces, perfect bodies (it does seem like a full-time job to become that “bikini ready”), and “yes” girls (not here to judge or bring shame, just saying I think we deserve a better path than through the beds of scores of men who don’t care for our hearts), and nobody of quality seems to want to take the time of day to know lil’ ol’ us? Oh, chica. If we only knew the treasure we are, we wouldn’t waste our hours and thoughts and tears on those who don’t have the motivation to move towards selfless love. We deserve better.
- Be Real.
- Real for now, can mean a bit of a bitter streak, or a sad spot, or straight up fed up and disillusioned. If you’ve been wounded, burned, and walked away like I have, it’s easy to put up a hard exterior and have the anthem of Meghan Trainor’s “No!” as your current theme song. I vacillate between that and crying on the couch watching chick flicks and eating Ruffles. The bottom line is, those parts of me deserve compassion and acceptance. My worth is not affected by the season I’m in, whether I chose it or not, whether I resent it or not. The sad part, the mad part, the longing part, those are all parts of me that need to be loved. Even when I don’t like it, I can be real- this is me, now, and I am okay. I am enough. I am worthy.
- Know Your NO.
- What are you actually okay with in a potential relationship? If you remember to focus on what you long for, you probably won’t put up with him not pursuing you, with him pressuring you for a more physical relationship, or with him not seeming to recognize the depth, beauty, and whole of who you are. You deserve more than to be with a guy who has nothing of himself figured out, who you don’t have peace about, or who expects you to put in the effort and work for everything. I know friends who have endured physical abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse and rape. Dearest women of valor, please find support if this has been part of your story. Somehow there are very twisted people out there who would use, wound, discard and even destroy you- and I am here to whisper, nay, to scream: YOU ARE FAR TOO IMPORTANT. All the lives you will touch and who you are matters too much to allow this for one more second. www.thehotline.org – basically the opposite of the “Hotline Bling” this one is meant to help restore and empower. Find someone you trust and get away, please.
- Focus On Quality of Presence.
- When in a potential relationship ask yourself some questions to filter this man through. Are you two able to have a meaningful conversation? Does this person know or have any intrigue about the desires of your heart, your long term plans (more than just marriage or family or kids), but about what makes you come alive? Does he seem more interested in the media, phone, tv, music or his own ideas than with connecting meaningfully or deeply with you?
- Stick with Jesus.
- This one is difficult. Not because I don’t genuinely love Jesus, but just because I’m so disappointed with the quality of men I’ve met within the organized “church.” I do long for a man who has a passion for Jesus and knows the love of God for him and wants others to know that same power and transformation. That’s what I will ultimately choose, someone who authentically cares about others and who lives within the awareness of God’s power and presence. In the meantime, we know this waiting can really suck- remember God’s love for you is unwavering in this place of wilderness. Jesus doesn’t leave. He won’t stop loving you even when you’ve grown tired of believing the better story for yourself.
- Don’t Jump!
- You just met him- he’s perfect, marry him tomorrow, start making couples stationery: Mr. and Mrs. Perfect, the heart eyes emoji. Let’s pump the brakes here a bit. He’s interesting and attractive and seems to be mutually interested in you. I’m not saying that things can never move quickly, I know they can. I’m just saying, keep the idea of the long run in mind- is he truly willing to love you and pursue all of you? Are you afraid they’ll run when they see the untrimmed panty line, the makeup-free face, the breakouts, the angry days, the ugly cry, the melancholy self, the few extra pounds around the midsection, the cellulite, or the embarrassing habit of __________? I don’t want to be with someone I feel I have to keep up an illusion of perfection with, because I’ve never been able to maintain anything like that even when I wanted to, and I don’t want the pressure to perform to be someone’s ideal woman. I don’t want us to jump in deep because I don’t want us to break things. I want us to become interesting people, not just objects to attract attention. Notice how he interacts with you in multiple settings- how is he with little kids, with friends, with family, does he honor you and make you feel important around his friends, or is he too busy flirting or working the room to make sure you know you are most valuable to him? Does he remember little things you like? Is he well respected by others? Do you feel something is “off” and you just can’t name it? Pay attention to these things and listen to your gut.
- Cultivate Wholeness.
- This is hard work, and it would be easier to just jump into a relationship, demand it works or just do nothing but search and scroll and prowl until you feel you’ve found someone who can give you security. However, I’m learning this lesson the hard way, patience is unavoidable. Sometimes it truly feels intolerably painful to wait and not know what the future holds, what mystery awaits. Cultivating wholeness might look like putting off distractions and diving into a passion that you’ve been procrastinating. It might look like following through on a project, or continuing in therapy, or spiritual direction, or mentorship, or life coaching. It may mean reading a few more books, watching fewer shows. It may mean staying in and doing laundry and being a grown up, or it may mean putting yourself out there in new social situations that will stretch you. It might mean taking up yoga, or drinking tea, or complimenting yourself more often when you’re tempted to “should” on yourself (I should’ve done this or this or thought that; I’m a failure…etc). Only you know what wholeness will look like to you. Brené Brown and her books have helped, as has a book called The Desire Map by Danielle La Porte.
- Listen to Others, Discern For Yourself.
- Having input is great and wise. I have differing counsel from different friends who share the same core beliefs, but have totally different ideas about how I should live, or what I should be doing. I’ve made myself available for these people to be totally honest with me about their concerns for my blind spots, or places of desperation, or immaturity, or impatience, or foolishness. This is helpful because it’s given me a warning sign if I’m being too cautious or too careless. My desire is to never be reckless with my life, body and heart. These people have helped keep me in check, but these same people also love me unconditionally and accept me when I say I’m confused and don’t know what I’m doing. They’re allowed to speak into my life, but ultimately, I am responsible for my own decisions. I’m grateful for the input, but am still the only one called upon to make hard choices for my life. Listen well, and respond with the wisdom and God-given discernment you have.
- Choose Freedom.
- Relationships should not be all turmoil. This is a season where you are somewhat unencumbered, in that, you are single, and can make what you choose of your life. I urge you to follow truth, beauty, passion, healing, wholeness and a sense of freedom. I don’t think freedom means being unaffected by others, I believe the truest freedom is knowing who you are deep down and believing your story is not a mistake- you and I both, have been through a lot, and haven’t made perfect choices along the way, but you have a choice NOW, TODAY, and hopefully, you choose things that make you feel more alive and lead you to someone who wants you to be your truest self.
It can be a real mess, but it could also turn out more amazing than your imagination! My prayers and thoughts are with you. Be bold. Be whole. Be you.
For more tips on dating and relationships check out a handy list for finding Mr. Right.