There I was, perched on a rooftop restaurant, sun rays bouncing off the Puget Sound, and surrounded by skyscrapers on all sides. It was luxurious. Accompanied by the sweetest women to celebrate a bride-to-be, we all ate like kings as 90’s jams were remixed for our listening enjoyment. What could have been better? While I thoroughly loved spoiling my dear friend who would soon walk down the aisle I had a niggling feeling that I couldn’t ignore. In my cotton dress (because I have love handles to hide) and top knot (because I took approximately 2 minutes to do my hair) I felt a tad out of touch. I felt out of touch as the last year has largely been changing diapers, reading board books, drawing airplanes at the kitchen table, washing mounds of footy pajamas, and sitting in front of a computer to share my words with you. At first, I wanted to blame motherhood for feeling so out of it, but that would be a grievous mistake. Motherhood has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Adopting my son, Jericho, and birthing my biological son, Kingston, have exceeded any dreams I could have ever made for myself. It has been better and sweeter than I could have imagined. Every morning is a treat to wake up with their bright eyes and curious hearts. This, of course, is assuming I went to bed at a decent hour and am ready to chase them around.

Still, in that moment I felt left of center. I am a wife, and a mother, but before that I am a woman. I hadn’t gotten gussied up in ages or gone out with friends in quite some time. Now, I don’t think going out for a night on the town makes you feel like a woman, but what does? What makes you come alive? Before all your other roles and commitments of a job, wifey-ing, parenting, etc, what is it that keeps you feeling like you are you?

To know yourself is a great gift. It’s one that will keep you in touch with your heart, mind, and soul. To know yourself is to know what is a lie of your heart and what is a truth of your heart. They each speak with confidence so discerning which is which is rather imperative. I am learning as days go by to listen to the deep of my heart, to hear its whispering in the day and night. I’m learning that it’s not always right but usually uncovers something that desperately needs to be resolved.

As I’ve had much change in the past year I was encouraged by Shauna Niequist in her devotional, Savor. In it, she wrote,

I was good at working, good at the buzz and busyness of leading people and managing events and ideas. What made me good at it was my ability to hold so many things in my head, like a handful of ladybugs. And now my work, writing, is about letting all the bugs crawl away and being able to focus on a totally blank page, a totally empty hand.

I thought that my single tasks, caring for our baby and writing, both would make my world very small. What I have found is that they make my world impossibly big, that they open up something in my head and in my heart.

My life is more vibrant than ever but I failed to see that apart from all the doing I needed a little more being. This idea of being, simply being you and enjoying the simple pleasures had been lost on me for a bit. The next day I was processing with a friend who is in a completely different season than I, Jana, (who wrote what it’s like to date past 25) and she talked about the value of knowing what refreshes you outside of your normal demands. For me, I’m most myself when I’m reading with a cup of espresso, gathering at the table with friends to devour something so delicious you can hardly stand it, or traveling to somewhere new. I do these things, but in a commitment to be the me God intended I’ve decided it would make a whole lot of sense to savor the fullness of life by doing them more often.

What is it for you?

For one of my girlfriends, she is good about getting out one night a week to play intramural soccer. For another, it’s a long walk. For another, it’s taking a long bath. Whatever it is I dare you to find it. Find out what fuels you and makes you feel like you.

Maybe you are feeling out of touch. If you are, get to the root of the issue, pull up the lies, and lay down the truth. The truth is that you were handcrafted, designed to love well, made to create, and have within you such strength and grace lavished on you by the Good Lord, the lover, and redeemer of us all.