Do you ever have those desperate prayers? The ones where you are SPENT and can’t take one more ounce of bad news, disappointment, frustration, not to mention meltdowns from your kids. That was my week last week. I could barely function. I was desperate for normal. My sanity was in question. My breaking point came when I threatened and fully intended to chuck a toy out the car window if my son didn’t pull it together… while waving it outside the window. Needless to say that backfired. Every time I had a moment to myself I couldn’t figure out a way to recharge. Anything that took even an ounce of energy was not an option. I couldn’t even muster enough energy to go to sit in Starbucks and have a coffee.

In those moments I pray messy prayers, ones of desperation with a dose of ugly cry.

Here’s my desperate prayer, for me, and for you.

“Jesus, I can’t do this. You keep telling me I can, but I’m not so sure. Please draw near in the hard moments, the ones where I feel hopeless, the ones where lack of sleep brings me to tears, the ones where I can’t think straight. When the days feel like years I need you to refresh my soul, speak tenderly, and be my strength. When I feel likes it’s all caving in I’m not exactly the woman, wife, or mother I know I’m suppose to be. Sometimes I question if I am cut out for this, or if I am what my babies need. I know its just a feeling but right now it’s a strong one. Help, help, help!”

“When I want to scream so loud the neighbors will come knocking remind my mind of 1 Corinthians 16:14, “let all that you do be done in love.” Love. Love is the answer for what ails me. Love will take my splintered heart and make it whole again. Love will soothe the aches of my children. Love will bring unity and respect in my marriage. Love will bring with it the companions of grace and peace, mercy and patience. I need them all. I need them all right now!” Come quickly, hear my cry, for you are near to me, the one you love, the one you’ve called, the one you’ve saved.”

Mamas, our days are filled with highs and lows. When the high ones come we roll right through giddy and clapping our hands in delight, and in the low ones its hard, just plain hard. Instead of rolling we feel as though we are limping with no end in sight. In Out Of The Spin Cycle by Jen Haymaker she writes, “You are enough as a mother when you act like your Redeemer, dear one.” When I act like my Redeemer I am not overcome with guilt in my feelings or actions, instead I walk in freedom to love and nurture the important people and passions in my life. That only comes from love. The effects of my frustration play out in my actions and the actions of my children.

You know I survived last week? I apologized… a few times. I prayed desperate prayers, chose love, and then went to bed. We woke up fresh, chose to love each other in hard moments, and carried on. No neighbors came knocking and no toys ended up on the side of the road. Love came, it snuggled up with each one of us, and told us what mattered, told us it was going to be ok. I love love. It’s so sweet, so tender, so kind.

Love can make a way where there was no way, forge a path where there has been a sea of messy, ugly, nasty days. It can. It will.

Love To You, Sweet Mama,

Tiffany

P.S. Have you read how I’m learning to bless my kid when I want to scream at him? Or how I almost bit the head off a teddy bear?