On April 1 2013 I met my sons. I’ve been dreaming of meeting them for so long that I can’t even imagine what life would be like without them. It’s as if they are an extension of my body. An extension that can bring about the most delightful joy. In the moments I feel so inadequate I remember that this was God’s idea and he probably has a plan. I know it. One day I was a sassy little wife to my grounded husband and the next day we became a family of four. I’m surprised I’m not more emotional but then I’m not overly emotional to begin with. This has been such a cerebral experience for me.

I feel like I can do anything after adopting the boys. We’ve been in Uganda for two weeks and an expected month more all while living in a 150 sq. ft room complete with tiny lizards, enough mosquitos to eat you alive, and of course spiders. Yes, I can do anything. When we are rather unlucky the power goes out and we aren’t able to shower but instead use a tub full of wet wipes. I had no idea I’d have the joy of wet wiping my body for three days straight.

Lucius is a tough guy as he dive bombs out of Derek’s arms. He wants absolutely anything that is in your hands and won’t settle until he has it. He is very quick and when he finally walks on his own will be comparable to a ninja rhinoceros. Jericho is nothing like his brother. While wrestling his younger brother he often holds up his arms to shield his face and closes his eyes as Lucius tackles him with a smile. He doesn’t like to get his clothes or body wet unless its in the tub and doesn’t enjoy when Lucius happily splashes him in the face. He is a picky eater and can’t live without his shoes. So far I’ve let him sleep in them. I’m picking my battles wisely. After all, it’s only been two weeks.

Jericho still hasn’t quite put his finger on who Derek is and the role he’ll play in his life. He calls him uncle and when we point to a picture of Derek and I, I’ll ask him who I am and he says, “mommy,” and then when I point to Derek he says, “uncle.” There haven’t been any constant men in his life since he has been in the baby home but there have been plenty of women. He trusts women but is still figuring out men.

This is so hard and messy and good and sweet. No one can possibly prepare you for what it’s like to hold a child in your arms that will be yours who has no idea who you are. It’s beautiful but stained with pain. I’m reminded how sinful we all are. I can’t parent without Jesus and I can’t even get up in the morning without Jesus. I need him so bad. Before we left to meet them the word that kept coming to my mind as to what I would learn and experience on this journey was sufficiency. Jesus is my sufficiency as I travel halfway across the world to live for two months with two children who will be my own. I itch to get home to start living our everyday life. I want to take them to frozen yogurt and have play dates with friends, but I know that won’t be my reality for quite some time. The life I once knew is a world away and I barely have enough energy to get through today, but I know this is a struggle that is changing lives, including my own.

Have you read about how I’m falling in love with my adopted son or how I’ve navigated biological birth and adoption?